Asking Eric: Mother repeatedly says she loves grandchild more than her kids

DEAR ERIC: My brother and his wife just had their first child, and the first grandchild on both sides of the family. I am so excited to be an aunt, and love the baby. So does my mom, however she keeps saying something to my brother and I that we both are getting tired of.
She has said on multiple occasions: I love the baby more than you two (my kids).
I think the first time she was trying to be funny. It still did sting, though. She keeps saying it every time there is a get together with the baby, and I even see my brother having an upset look on his face.
I can’t say anything because when I’ve said anything before I’ve been told that I am: “self-centered and make everything about myself” by my dad. And my mom will just say, “Why is everyone on my butt tonight?” I don’t want to cause any problems, but my brother and I are tired of this backhanded compliment, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it.
– Second Place
DEAR SECOND PLACE: The way your father spoke to you is very harsh, particularly given the reasonable request to not be triangulated with the baby. It suggests that there’s a pattern of unkind statements being lobbed in your direction, so this “joke” strikes a deeper wound.
If that’s true, you’ll want to think about the parts of your dynamic with your parents that don’t work for you and talk about them separately. You may even want to work on this with a therapist beforehand, so you’re able to communicate clearly and not get sidetracked by debate over the baby comment.
It will likely be more effective for your brother to tell your mom “I don’t like when you talk about my child that way,” than it is for you to protest. But, again, this seems to be rooted in a toxic family dynamic. There’s enough love to go around. If they can’t express that without belittling you, it’s wise to set a boundary with them about the way they communicate.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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